I was on a blogging streak and was super excited about it. In fact there are all sorts of fun things to share, but I have to apologize because this week I have been kind of out of it. The only way to explain it is to say that I have been mourning. You see, I am a Penn State grad and as you know there has been a lot going on at our university this week.
It has taken me all week to even begin processing the magnitude of these events and I am not writing to pass blame or judgement nor to defend anyone. I am not writing to cause debates or arguments. I am not writing to impose my personal believe system on you. I am simply writing because I am mourning and to me this is a step in my healing process. I know, I am not a victim and I am not claiming to be, but this whole situation has gotten ahold of my heart and I just can’t seem to shake it.

I think that one of the hardest things for Penn Staters to swallow is that our faith has been shaken. Many of us have looked at Penn State as a tremendous institution (I still believe it is), and we have looked at Joepa as this amazing man and college football legend (I still believe he is)…. We had all of this faith in this program and these people and we have been let down. We have been let down tremendously… so where do we turn when faith disappoints? I’d like to say that if I were in Joepa’s shoes, that I would have pushed further, and that I would have followed up to make sure that it was taken care of. But the truth is, I really don’t know if I would have. You and I all like to think that we would have, but unless we are in that situation we don’t really know what we would do.  Unfortunately because he is a good man and has set a high standard and impacted many lives, people have held him to it and so this was a huge disappointment for folks, but he is human. I know I have disappointed people before, and I wish it were not the case, but I know I will do it again. I am human. These men are human. And we as humans are sinful… And let’s face it, this is not about Joepa, he just happens to be in the spotlight because of his legacy.. this is about the awful crimes that were committed, and the innocent children and families that were hurt.

So, as I sit here and process this string events I am broken and leaning into Jesus, because He is the only faith I have found  that doesn’t disappoint. He allows tragedies such as these to happen, and my heart aches for the children and families that are about to walk a very long road of hurt and healing, but I must lean on something that I know with absolute certainty, and that is, that my God is good, and He does not disappoint. He will turn ashes to beauty, and despair into hope.

Isaiah 61:3

…and provide for those who grieve in Zion-

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, and planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

I truly believe that good will come of this entire situation. There will be a lot of brokenness and pain…. and hurt that I cannot even fathom, but I truly believe that God has a greater purpose in this circumstance and it will be turned around for His good. He will bring hope and light to a very dark and devastating situation. I am no better of a person nor is my heart any better than any of the people involved in the situation. I believe we are all broken people, and without Jesus, our ugly hearts can and will run wild and selfish… and cause hurt and pain.

I am leaning into Jesus, because he is the ultimate healer and can turn an ugly situation into good.

When we were attacked on 911, our nation was devastated, broken, confused…. We felt unsafe, insecure…. BUT, we drew together as a Nation. People came together and we are now stronger because of it. A lot of good came out of one of the most devastating days we have ever seen.

And this is why I will ALWAYS bleed Blue and White.

A lot of people are putting Penn State University down right now, and I think that is something that is really hard to swallow b/c when folks put Penn State down, they are taking hits at my heart.

You see, Penn State is much more than a football team or Joe Paterno. Don’t get me wrong…. Penn State football is one of my greatest memories there. You better believe I was at the stadium on game days at the crack of dawn for a front row seat at the game…. you better believe I had season tickets every game…. and that I didn’t miss one of them.  You better believe I lost my voice from cheering, that I cried after losses, that a piece of my heart belongs to Beaver Stadium.

And Joepa…. of course I love the little old man who coached our team to victories… who held his head high through losses, who coached and mentored and called a lot of people to higher standards… who wore the most ridiculous glasses and flooded pants….  This man although not a father, a brother, a cousin to me was actually like a father figure to the entire school of Penn State. So our hearts hurt for him and for having to leave the program as he did. One week he was on top of the world as the winningest coach, the next week fired and scorned. As a “family” we are sad.

So, yes Football and Joepa, are really huge pieces of my time at Penn State, but Penn State was and is so much more…

Penn State is THON, the largest student run philanthropy in the nation. It was canning weekends. THON 5K. Late nights. All nighters. Pomping. Homecoming. The Big Onion. Yogurt Express. Stone Hall. Sharing closets with roomies. Ice Tea’s at Cafe 210 West. Dancing at the Shandygaff. Sorority Hayrides. Formals. Mixers. Fraternity parties. Cru. Messy Day. Greek Life. Cramming for tests. The Creamery. ACME pizza. Talking about boys. Dating boys. The Loop. Tailgating. Rec Hall. Intramural Sports. Old Main. Sled riding on lunch trays. Cookies at West Hall. Greek Week. Basketball Games. Gymnastic Meets. Climbing Mt. Nittany. My first Real Apartment. The Orange Bowl. The Willard Preacher. The Cow Bell. Beaver Avenue. Adam Taliaferro 43….. and these things barely brush the surface of memory lane.

And, it runs much deeper.

Penn State is where I met friends that I will have forever. Friends who stood beside me on my wedding day, who love my daughter as their own… who have been there through laughter and tears, and will always be there. Friends who are still a huge part of my life.

Penn State is where I learned a lot about who I am. Where I learned discipline, time management, where I studied hard, and figured out what I am passionate about. It is where I began to pursue those passions. It is where I began to be an adult.

Penn State is where I grew in my faith. Where I was surrounded by people who loved the Lord and who encouraged me, challenged me, and helped me grow.

Penn State is a huge piece of who I am. It is a very important chapter in my life that has brought me to this place today, and so when you insult my University, you insult me, and you insult my family, because at Penn State we are a family. Our pride runs deep, and even though this devastation has occurred, our pride is still there, and I guarantee it is only going to get stronger. We are a University of passionate people, and passionate people change the world.

I believe that this tragedy can be used for good, so that the suffering of these victims is not in vain. God will turn these ashes to beauty, and He will use the powerful, institution of Penn State and it’s people (as well as many others touched by this tragedy) to create awareness for child abuse. Thousands of children will be saved because  of this mess, and for that I can be grateful. Our God is big, and no mess is too big for Him to handle.

I just wanted to share perspective as a Penn State Alum… because a lot of people have been quick to hate Penn State for this “scandal.” For those of you who are in that boat, please don’t be so naive to think that this is the only place that this is happening. This is a huge issue that is most likely much closer to home than you even know. Let’s look past pointing fingers and get to the heart of the issue. We must use this to protect our children and keep this from happening in the future.

Good things are to come. We must take what we know and use it for good.

I will always bleed blue and white.

WE ARE….

And, because I just don’t post without pictures….

Photo Credit: Brenna Thorpe

The photo is from a candle light vigil held at Old Main for the victims and their families.

And…wanted to share this… Definitely worth a read.

This is from Penn State’s Cru Director. He was there when I was there, and is really offers an amazing perspective.  http://www.facebook.com/notes/tim-henderson/a-deficiency-of-love/10101727527787354

And, Penn State is already up to good. Check it out here.

m.e.